Romance 2015 and a little juvenile dream of yesterday

Let me preface this by saying I am a nerdy, introvert, very very shy and the type of person who doesn’t speak much unless among best friends or family members. I had a dream yesterday which was cheesy and cute as hell and the stuff of preadolescent romance, because obviously the romantic switch in my brain is stuck at that level. Mature minds may find this boring and laughable, but please bear with me!

But before I tell you about my dream, let’s talk of some romantic stuffs. Like the new netflix series ‘Love’. The trailer showed an average, every day person w/ nothing to recommend him/her lucking out on love, I had to check it out for obvious reasons. Right from the first episode, I was rooting for Gus and Mickey. There’s a scene where I felt Mickey’s despair when she says she’s never found the type of love she wished, hoped and prayed for all the time and she has indeed wanted only love and wished for it hard! But the law of Universe is not working for her. Spoiler alert: They get together and Gus turns out to be a jerk at which point I was turned off and I stopped watching the series. Guess I like happy endings too much!

But at the same time, I didn’t hate Anomalisa! In my opinion, it was the most interesting animation of 2015. Wish it was a movie! The first half was unbelievably romantic! Imagine finding your soul mate, that one person you know you are meant to be with, who completes you and who you think is different than all the other people in the world and who totally understands you even without conversations. But then things happens so quickly, you wonder if you are watching a horror movie or ‘ex machina’ animation version, you don’t see the realistic ending coming when it hits you. And believe me it hits you hard.

And finally, Jojo Moyes’ novels ‘Me before you’ and ‘After you’. I can’t remember the last time I cried so much while reading a novel. There’s a movie version coming out this year. But movies are never better than books. And anyways, Lou and Will are not those actors in my imagination. The book is a modern day Pride and Prejudice for me in the sense, that both characters are so endearing and loveable. Poor Lou, someone manages to scratch beyond the surface and see her for the amazing person that she is and love her for the first time. And same for Will, but they are passing ships… such a heart breaking story!

After all these very romantic stories, here goes my juvenile romantic dream. I am not sure if I should even call it romantic! I think ‘sweet’ or ‘funny’ is a better word!  I saw my crush from college in my dream yesterday. My friends were visiting me and he was in the group. It wasn’t my real life home but some house I’ve never seen before. In the dream I was sure it was my house. But I am digressing. So, I began cooking noodles since that was the only thing I had. And he was the only one on my mind as I was trying to make the best noodles that I could. But then he got a call and told me he had to leave right away! I saw him to the door wishing he could stay longer and thinking this was probably the last time I’d be seeing him. He was gone quite a distance. And I was looking at him with all these wishes probably, I was feeling them! and I knew he knew!. (Delusion much! ) And I don’t know what came over me, I signed ‘I love you’, with my hands! Creepy? yes! But also practical! I don’t think I could have shouted out… I am not a shouter! I don’t know why I thought I shouldn’t let him go without saying something! But he surprises me and signs back the ‘I love you’.

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My favourite coke studio song

I am obsessed with this song ‘Alif Allah’ from Pakistani coke studio. Apparently, it is the most viewed Pak video on youtube. And I just stumbled upon this song yesterday. The song connects you with your spiritual self and kinda reminds you not to get lost in frills and frivolities, to share, to be pure in deeds and thoughts and to believe in and love the higher power.

There are so little things, if any, that make you reflect and think. You are disconnected on so many levels, religion being one of them. You believe in God. But rare are the times you connect. And then you listen to a song like this and you feel happy and guided. You know on some days, you have that feeling that you are lost, a song like this gives you hope. It makes you feel that you are okay and you are only a human being. You are gonna make lots of mistakes, and repeat them, do bad things even when you know it is not right but you can find your way back to where you want to be, all you need to do is be loving and thoughtful and do your work, go through life caring and connecting with self and soul.

Beautiful songs

When I like a song, I listen to it over and over again until I get tired of it. But songs like ‘maula mere maula’, ‘tohse naina’, ‘madari’ and ‘madno’ are those few that I never get tired of listening to. These are the songs that have ‘sufi’ element to them i.e, love being above all, love being everything. I feel that ‘urdu’ is a such a beautiful language, that sounds beautiful and hits you hard and can convey deeper emotions easily. Many popular hindi songs seem to have urdu words in them. Coincidence? l think not. I think urdu just elevates a song to a new level. But I am no expert. I can just about understand it.

With respect to songs, I am more of words and feelings person. Song I am currently listening.

Jaaveda zindagi

Tohse naina laage(My eyes are captivated by you)
Tohse naina laage

Tohse naina laage piya saaware (My eyes are captivated by you, O my spiritual lover)
Nahin bas me ab yeh jiya saaware  (My heart is not in my control now, O my spiritual lover)
Tohse naina laage piya saaware
Nahin bas me ab yeh jiya saaware

Mohabbat to ek jaaveda zindagi hai (Love is one spiritual life.) Mohabbat to ek jaaveda zindagi hai  Tohse naina laage mili roshni  (My eyes are captivated by you, I got light)
Tohse man jo laaga mili zindagi  (My heart is captivated by you, I got life)

Tohse naina laage mili roshni 
Tohse man jo laaga mili zindagi 

Mohabbat to ek jaaveda zindagi hai (Love is one spiritual life). Mohabbat to ek jaaveda zindagi hai 

Mohabbat ki hai daastaan zindagi  (Life is the tale of love)
Mohabbat na ho toh kaha zindagi  (If love is not there, there cannot be life) Mohabbat ki hai daastaan zindagi Mohabbat na ho toh kaha zindagi  Mohabbat to ek jaaveda zindagi hai  Mohabbat to ek jaaveda zindagi hai 
Tohse naina laage

Shama ko pigalne ka armaan kyun hai? (Why the light desires to melt?)
Patange ko jalne ka armaan kyun hai? (Why the light moth desires to burn?)

Isi shawq ka intehaan zindagi hai (The passion of this hobby is life.)
Isi shawq ka intehaan zindagi hai 

Mohabbat jise baksh de zindagani  (Love which spares his/her life)
Nahi maut par khatm uski kahaani  (His/her story doesn’t end on death)

Kaise jiya jaaye (how to live)
Kaise jiya jaaye ishq bin ( how to live without love)
Kaise jiya jaaye kaise jiya jaaye ishq bin

Nahin koi insaan mohabbat se khaali (No human is empty of love)
Har ek ruh pyaasi, har ek dil sawaali (Each and every soul is thirsty, each and every heart is curious)
Mohabbat jahaan hai wahaan zindagi hai (Where there is love there is life) Mohabbat na ho toh kahaan zindagi hai (If love is not there, there cannot be life)

Tohse naina laage mili roshni
Tohse man jo laaga mili zindagi
Tohse naina laage mili roshni
Tohse man jo laaga mili zindagi Mohabbat jise baksh de zindagani Nahi maut par khatm uski kahaani

Madno song

Madari song

Unrequited love & agonies in love

Oh the problems of the hearts. I am getting too old for this. But before I forget about this kind of chapter of my life, I wanted to rewind. Today, someone I have never even met reached out to me for my help in his love life and poured his heart out. It was kind of deja vu. But how did he know I was a good listener? Is the wind telling everyone that I can be an agony aunt?… As much as I have found these kind of discussions interesting when I was young, I find it boring now. But maybe it’s karma and you’ve gotta do what you’ve gotta do. Provide a shoulder to a crying person, in this case lending your ears and a little bit of your mind, being a sounding board that someone so desperately needs.

I will say that the dialogues are always the same. “I will love him/her forever”. “I will not give up”. “If I donot try I will regret for the rest of my life”. “I’ll love him/her forever no matter what”. “I will never find a person as good as him/her”. “He is the only one for me”. “I cannot forget him”… Yada yada yada. These are some of the stuffs I remember hearing or even may have said at one point of time or other. The sad part is that these are the statements uttered after a party has been clearly rejected, when your window of opportunity is blatantly closed on your face. When you should know there is no hope for you now.

I personally think we get into these useless situations and later dissect things, because when you are young you have so many issues you are struggling with and you are constantly looking for assurances. And in some cases like mine, when you are young you are just plain dumb (or you may say naive). In my defense I always say “I come from a village, from the hills, I didn’t know better.” My life story is that I have never been in a relationship but I have crushed hard and fruitlessly (okay, you may say ‘crush’ a ‘mere crush’?) Well, not all of us are lucky okay!… I have mistaken flirtations for love. I have rejected and also have been rejected. And I have had my share of heart to heart sessions with my friends and families sharing my woes. My friends going “Forget it. Someone will be very lucky to have you”. “You will meet someone very special someday”. Or my best friend going “How unfortunate. Your first and it turned out this way!” and then some.

When you are heartbroken, let me tell you nothing works. And I mean nothing, not even the soothing words of your friends. You hear all the words but you do not believe it. The talk will give you an outlet but will not lessen the pain. Only time heals. Yes, Time is the biggest healer, the only cellotape to fix your heart.

That first crush, that first love, that first heart break. After a time you look back and wonder “Was I ever that young?” It hits you the hardest when it’s your first. If only firsts didn’t exist. If only we started with seconds. We could be excellent in our dealings even in matters of hearts. But sadly second comes only after the first, you understand only after you’ve made mistakes. Some people are lucky and find their first love beautiful and memorable while others just get the growing up experience.I remember discovering mills and boons at sixteen and gobbling it up. I have read tons of those. But real life is nothing like that. Then I realised that is why those are called junk books. Suffice it to say that I have done away with those books, you will not find any in my personal library.

Those of us who have suffered agonies in love or in unrequited love around me had one thing in common. It was our first. Some of us were too sensitive, while some were princess of our homes, and hadn’t experienced rejection until that point in life. So, it was extra hard to just deal with it. But because of that we had moments where we laughed and laughed until we cried, at our stupidity and we laughed till our stomaches hurt. We made tons of jokes on ourselves and each other. And we gave each other some useful and helpful and sometimes not so helpful advices. In the end we were optimistic and we made it through.

How did we help each other? I remember we were having a pity party and my friend in her anguish said “He will not be happy in the end”. And I, being the naive person that I am said “No, that is not true, he will be very happy with someone and you will also be very happy with someone else. You will not even remember each other”. In retrospect I think I should have just agreed like a good friend at that time. Actually, I was of little help with my all romantic notions. My friends on the other hand were the best, always offering to beat him up for breaking my heart albeit in jest. They did all my dirty work like hating him for me which I could not do myself.

Now I’ve grown older and am no longer timid. I will definitely not be topsy turvy in love. We (who hope to find someone to love) are taking our chances of our hearts getting broken time and again, however many times it takes to find the right person. We chose not to take the conventional road of arranged marriages where two people put together fall in love after many years just because they are supposed to or just because they have children. If two people are together day in and day out for years, I do think they will come to love one another like my parents, familiarity breeding love! But isn’t it kind of manufactured? The universe didn’t get to play it’s hand!!! 

So, I think it’s okay to not follow the norms of society and be married by 25 or 30, and be married just because people say it’s your age to get married and have babies. How old fashioned is that?? And if you want to be with not the one who loves you (because there are already so many who love you) but with the one you love, then it should be totally upto you. Anyways, I believe in destiny like two people meant to be together will find their way to each other. Love shouldn’t be hard, it should be easy, and even if there are obstacles, if it’s meant to be you will be given means to overcome the hurdles. Yes, I am a little romantic. Unfortunately, those mills and boons did do their damage.

Meet you in my dreams…

This afternoon I dozed off and dreamt of my favourite teacher. He was waiting for his bus to siliguri. Bus no.4, he said which was running late. I met him near the bus station. We talked for a while, you know about the regular stuffs, nothing deep. I being his favourite student and he being my favourite teacher, we care a lot about each other. He’s like family. I was glad the bus was about 20 mins late to reach the station which meant the goodbye wasn’t a rushed affair. My sir had a heart ailment. And I noticed he had a cold too. I worry about his health. I wanted to give him the vicks vaporrub type balm that I had somewhere. I went to get it, all the while thinking if I should give him something which I have already used. But there was no time to get a new one. And if it works it’s good, I thought eventually. The bus was about to leave and sir was sitting on the backseat of the bus, we having said our goodbyes already.

As I was running with the said balm in my hand towards the bus, I opened it and saw that there was nothing inside. Apparently, I’ve used it all. So, I went to a small stall nearby to buy one. The shop had a special one but the shopkeeper was not helpful. He was like “I cannot sell it to you.” Why? “because you cannot afford it, it’s very special”. The shopkeeper haggling was irritating. I was racing against time here. Apparently it was just for Rs. 50 so I bought it and made in time to give it to my sir. He was happy! On the other hand my other sir who was sitting next to him was not. I think he was a little jealous. My sir rubbed the ointment over his chest generously more than needed actually, to humor me. I know he doesn’t do things the ordinary way. The last thing I remember is me thinking “Okay, that will work too”. Probably, then I bade him safe journey.

I woke up and when I remembered the dream, I was happy for a bit Then, I remembered. Sir is no longer in this world. He’s been gone for a very long time almost 10 years now. The world is not a better place without him in it. It’s a little sadder! He was the best of the best. The kindest, funniest, humble person. You do not find such combination in a man. He was also the one person with whom I could talk about anything and everything and the only person who had answers to my every question. My world’s a little emptier without him in it. Sir’s wife and three children must miss him even more. But I miss him too. There are always times when I feel I need him but he’s not here. He’s somewhere in heaven smiling, playing pranks on angels I am sure. Whenever I try to imagine his face he’s always smiling. Because he was like that, always, always smiling no matter what, even in adversity. He rarely if ever got angry. He’s taught me so much, what to aspire to as a human. It goes without saying my life is enriched for having known him. And I hope to God he is one of the five people I meet in heaven one day. RIP Sir. Lots of love, hugs and kisses.