The necessary shit

What is your greatest vice? Mine is Greed!!… Yes, I,said it. I am greedy. There are only a few times I can control myself. Like I have to eat when I have to eat; chocolates, icecream, pizza, burger, you name it. I give in to my food urges all the time. Also, like any normal person, I love the Internet, tv, reading novels but since I have an addictive personality I spend more time on these than a normal person does. What I wanted to say is I have come to realize that I have got a voracious appetite. I just cannot set a limit for things. I go at some things like there’s no tomorrow!!! (So, probably you might have rightly guessed by now that I need to get a life).

This post is all about me wondering why I cannot apply zeal and enthusiasm to things that are important and that matter and if it is due to lack of self respect or laziness or other things.

I remember when I was very little, on a plane whenever an air hostess came with an an assortment of candies on a tray, I took forever to choose and pick and could never decide quickly to the frustration of the hostess. Everyone of those candies looked different and tempting!… This? that? or that? or ….that? My mom would get irritated and scold me and ask me to just take any two in the end. So, may be greed in some is an inherent quality (seeing even as a kid I wanted more!!).

My mom and dad grew up making do without many things. It’s probably why they try and give me everything they possibly can. My mom once told me though she had a happy childhood, as a kid, she didn’t get many things and that it was hard when she wanted something, probably once in a while and still not get them. She said she doesn’t want her kids to experience that feeling. That is why I’ve always gotten what I wanted sooner if not later. Never in the 20 something years of my life have I thrown a tantrum for anything (wait that’s not true). With my mum and dad when it’s a ‘No’ … It’s ‘No’!… But lucky for me, mostly it’s always been ‘Yes’!

I know how it is so natural and easy to observe other people’s life and see their weakness, limitations, obligations, their present situation and their future but not your own. So, I am self-reflecting and realizing why I have grown up and become an unproductive and entitled person and let my love and responsibility for my parents become latent. It has been my greed that has me spending much time feeding my appetite and getting me lost in self-gratification when I should be doing more important things like being there for my parents and making something of myself.

Like those people who always want more and more, who want everything and those addictive people who are never satisfied until they explore every options, I was searching for things to complement me, things I do not have, things I do not necessarily need which has brought me to a path I never intended to folllow. But now when I am lost and confused I see I have everything right here right now, I just have to find my way back home.

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A new beginning

You know the most important thing in the world is ‘Family’ and their ‘love’ . If you have this then you are blessed. You feel like you have everything. There’s not a single day I don’t feel like this. By the grace of God, I have the loveliest family, aunties and cousins. My parents give me anything and everything I want (though we are just a normal middle class family). They still provide for me though I am in my 20s. In return I try and be a good girl, do not do things they may not approve of.

But it’s time for change in my attitude towards life. I need it because though everything is good on the family front, I haven’t been doing well academically and have been depressed these few years.

Regarding family I’ve always felt blessed. I get what I want without much objection (most of the time) and I’ve so many people in my life who love and care for me and vice versa. Probably that is why I am content and confident for an overweight and an average girl. I am comfortable with who I am and where I come from. My mom is the source of my unwarranted confidence (she’s amazing!!!!)… On a side note, my much junior room mate says it’s nothing especial for families and moms to be great. It’s meant to be that way. A safe haven in this crazy world.

As I was saying these past years I’ve come to be a non-achiever; someone without ambition and drive just breathing, eating, sleeping, dreaming not working hard, certainly not living. I’ve become a person who doesn’t know her own mind, who sees things but doesn’t understand, who’s always frightened of one thing or the other; frightened of people, of challenges and even of one’s own dreams. So, it’s time to wake up and turn my life around.

Living my life in mediocrity, hanging in the middle, not being the person I can be, I’ve gotten to a worst place where I hide everyday. Surely, it must be better to feel pain than to not feel anything. Any emotion even if that is the persistent scary one is welcome if it can add meaning and objective to one’s state!

It cannot be helped that life feels nothing but hard and unbearable in situations like these when you are living far away from people you love, in a place you absolutely hate and you cannot escape. You can only run away for so long or sleep for so long. It’s time to live! It’s time to buckle up and suffer and gain from your sufferings. And anyways don’t people say you have all the time in the world to sleep and feel nothing when you are dead?? Falling back to safety means nothingness. And nothingness is nothingness, a life wasted.

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